i’m crying so much. 
I feel that no matter how hard i try, i can never get something right.
i’ll never be good enough.
I’m just tired of everything. i feel like iv’e already lived 80years.
life doesn’t have the same charm it use to when i was a child.
honestly wouldn’t mind dying right now… 
i need someone to hold me…… 

these remind me of the diet pills i use to take :/
they made my legs so thin… too bad my mom tossed them out.
now i’m back to resembling a fucking whale monster.
going to go cry now. 

(Source: deathologist, via very-thin)

no sleep for me.

i woke up this morning feeling ridiculously sick. 
my throat is so sore and swollen, it’s killing me. no idea why though, but it can’t be mia. and my tonsils are super swollen (last time i was this sick was maybe 4years ago). and i have this horrible cough. it’s hard to swallow, ana should be smiling.
but it hurts to breathe…so much. i just don’t want to worry anyone.
and i refuse to go to the doctors. 2weeks ago, i told my mother i weighed 95lbs when i weighed 84lbs. i KNOW i gained weight  but anything under 95lbs for her, will just create a big problem for me.
It also sucks that i probably won’t be able to see my boyfriend this weekend either. He’s not angry at me anymore, for whatever reasons.. so i miss him. this sucks.
just woke up. im going to try and skip breakfast and lunch.
someone talk to me? :/ 

“start eating, and gain weight. or we’re through…”
me:” are you serious? you’ll leave me because i don’t want to gain weight because i’m okay with how i look?”
“yes”

leave ana and mia or you………  

-looked in the mirror
-my face looks disgusting
-FAT.
-My boyfriend’s forwarding my calls.
-i’m gaining weight
-distancing myself from others
-no one cares
-death is always on my mind. 

i think i should try, maybe just a little, to actually give a fuck; or care about people. I feel like my boyfriend hates me because i show more affection towards my art and tea than i do to him. i know it’s not fair, but it’s just who i am. i have a cold heart. And i don’t know how to change that. It’s really hard for me to express my emotions and feelings openly with others, i always feel like no one’s really going to understand (stupid misunderstood cliche teen…i know). I also, just really….. I just don’t want to burden others with my stupid emotions. i would rather live through a sad depressing life as long as i can make someone else smile. it’s just who i am… yea, i think i’m going to be single. I give it no more than 2weeks… i’ma cry now.
 

i gained weight.
awesome, just what my parents wanted.
i try so hard to make everyone happy, i never think about my own happiness.
The one time i want something for myself (20lbs till i become art) someone has to get in my way. my parents told me i was selfish for having an ed, that im splitting the family apart. She said my father would rather leave us than watch me do this to myself. its always about everyone. i’m always left in the shadows. i can never be happy…

and now that everyone is perking up a little, i look like a fat disgusting 9yr old. because i have the body of a child. and i now walk around with a belly full of that poison people call food. it’s horrible. And i havn’t been able to purge in 5days… i use to purge 3 times a day. this sucks. and even if i purge again, my parents will notice im not gaining weight. fuck my life

fucking gaining weight. because my parents are making me. because they know i have an ed. i feel disgusting… its been 3days of eating like a “regular person”. they took my diet pills… i don’t even know for how much longer i can keep purging till they realize im not gaining as much weight. i feel guilty. this sucks. 
im scared of gaining weight. i hate that this is happening to me.. 

-my parents took my scale.
-my parents hid or threw out my scale.
-haven’t weighed myself in 48hours.. 
-i’m dyeing. 
-i’m crying.
-i probably gained weight.
-i feel disgusting.. 

told my bf how much i weigh.
his response: ” Eeeww. Wtf?”
he’s so considerate of my feelings. still crying. steller 

just looked at my grades…
horrible. i feel like crying.
everything just keeps getting worse, and going wrong.
i can’t be smarter.
i can’t be sane.
but i sure as hell can be skinnier.